As I walked down Palm Avenue away from the trolley station
and towards Imperial Beach, I knew I had made the right decision. Yet, there
was a tug inside of me. I still wanted to be on that trolley. Reminders of
where I could be flashed before me periodically in the form of license plates
titled: “Baja California”. I was close.
I had woken up that morning at the Quality Suites in San
Diego’s mission valley. The purpose of my trip was business, but I had taken
off a few days at the beginning of the trip to golf and do some sight-seeing. I
had golfed the previous day, and so, the plan for the current day was to
transition to the hotel where my meeting was to be and to explore downtown San
Diego. On this morning I had a realization though – with the welcome reception
for my meeting not starting until 6:30 pm, I actually had quite a bit of time
to explore. This was strange because this had always been the start time.
However, my mind had failed to properly calculate just how much I could do with
the time I had. Immediately, my adventurous mind broadened to the possibilities
such time afforded me. Suddenly exploring downtown San Diego no longer seemed
sufficient. Being in California, a natural first thought was to go to see the ocean.
A quick look at the map, paying special attention to where the trolley lines
run, revealed that Imperial Beach was the best spot for such an excursion.
After checking in early at my next hotel and dropping off my
bags, I walked out onto the streets of San Diego with excitement. I walked
South. The goal: to see Petco Park, the stadium for the San Diego Padres
baseball team, and then to get on a blue line trolley. As I walked by the
stadium, I snapped some pictures and read the plaques of those in the Baseball
Hall of Fame who had played for the Padres. I was enjoying the day. As I got to
the trolley station it was perfect timing to hop on the blue line headed the
direction I wanted.
As we rattled down the tracks making stops at each passing
station, a second realization came – one that would loom. Before going on the
trip, crossing the border hadn’t been on my radar. It hadn’t slipped my mind. I
knew that San Diego was close to Mexico, very close. It just didn’t seem
feasible under the constraints of the trip. How would I have the time? As I had
finally noticed that morning, I did have the time. How could I get there in a
relatively cheap way? This was the second realization: the San Diego trolley
goes all the way to the border. With my passport in my pocket, a byproduct of the
overcautiousness of wanting to have multiple IDs on the trip in case I lost one
and my “you never know” way of thinking in regard to Mexico, the way to Tijuana
was now cleared, well, mostly cleared. I took out my phone to research.
For many years I had been aware that Tijuana, Mexico, is not
the safest place in the world to go. The recent murdering in a different part
of Mexico of an American family by a drug cartel also rested in the back of my mind.
And yet, was I concerned about my safety? The short answer: a little, but not
enough to keep me from crossing the border. My wife was on my mind. As I looked
up the safety of Tijuana, the results were bad, really bad. Tijuana was ranked
number one, a place any city would like to be except when the ranking is on this list of most dangerous cities in the world. This was not subjective. This was
real data. In 2018, there had been 2,640 murders there. That is an average of
over 7 a day. It was not just Tijuana, the top 50 was littered with Mexican
cities. The drug cartels have been running amuck.
After overcoming this initial shock, I probed deeper to
understand the numbers. As I read, a slightly different picture emerged. It
sounded, well, sort of safe. People talked of going there with no issues and of
being fine as long as you stay in safer spots and keep to yourself. It also
appeared that most of the killings were between rival drug cartels. Tourists
were unlikely targets. I also figured that the area near the border must be
safe given all the border patrols that should be there. I didn’t need to stay
long either; it could be a quick trip. One last barrier: could I cross on foot?
Yes. The way was paved. I didn’t even need to do anything. I could stay seated
right where I was and end up exactly where I wanted to be. However, words were
on my mind – important words.
In Philippians 2:4, the apostle Paul states, “Each of you
should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.”
My wife was on my mind. I needed to look to her interests and not just mine. Even
without asking, I knew that my wife would not want me to go. But a caveat played
in my mind. She would not want me to go if she knew all the facts. What
if I just asked her if I could go to Mexico? There was a good chance she
wouldn’t even ask me about safety. If she did, I had a card I could play. She
had crossed the border there on a mission trip many years before. Having been
there, I could turn the question back to her and her first-hand knowledge?
Surely, I would get a “Yes”. But I knew this wouldn’t be right. Given knowledge
of the current state of Tijuana, I knew she wouldn’t want me to go. And so, I
got off the trolley at the Palm Avenue station – three stops short of the
border. I was indeed close.
The aforementioned tug persisted in me as I progressed down
Palm Avenue. I felt that I had missed a great opportunity. To fully understand
this tug, I must broaden the scope. I love visiting new places, and in
particular, I love adding new states and countries to my list. Whenever I get
close to a border, I try to cross even if the main purpose of the trip was not to go there. Michigan,
North Dakota, and Wyoming were all added to my list in this fashion. When
planning a trip, I try to add as many new places as possible. On the East coast
two years ago, I designed a route that allowed me to add 8 new states. On my
mission trip to Kenya, I made sure to have a long layover in Amsterdam, so I
could add the Netherlands. In short, this is a passion of mine. To be so close
to Mexico and not cross the border was very difficult indeed.
We all have passions. We all have desires or things that are
important to us. We want freedom too. We want to be able to pursue our desires.
This is an ever evident battle cry of the current culture. We also try to be
good people. We think these don’t clash, but they do. Jesus cut straight to the
heart of this matter when the rich young ruler approached him. After Jesus
listed out the commandments. The young man was eager to reply in the
affirmative. He had indeed been following them. Aren’t we all eager to reply in
such a way at times? The rich man still wanted to know what he lacked though.
“Jesus answered, ‘If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give
to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me’”
(Matthew 19:21). Jesus knew his heart. He knew that this man’s true god was not
Jesus, but his money and possessions, and ultimately himself. And so, "he went
away sad, because he had great wealth” (Matthew 19:22).
Before we know Jesus, and even after we are following him,
this side of heaven, we will always be tempted to follow our own way. Jesus has
a way of revealing these spots in our hearts to us. What is difficult too is
that, often they are not bad things in and of themselves, but when pursued at
the expense of others and of God they become sin. This is what sin really is,
wanting our own way, wanting to be our own gods, whether we realize it or not.
It all started in the Garden of Eden. There was one tree God commanded Adam and
Eve to not eat. The devil said of it, “For God knows that when you eat of it
your eyes will be opened and you will be like God, knowing good and evil”
(Genesis 3:5). Eve listened closely and was swayed. “When the woman saw that
the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also
desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it” (Genesis 3:6). It was
good fruit. In and of itself, it was not a bad thing. But eating it trampled on
God and his command, and paraphrasing Satan, she could now be her own God. In
doing so, the way for autonomy was opened, but true freedom was lost. “Then the
man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the
garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees
of the garden” (Genesis 3:8). Freedom is not having to hide.
Having a desire to go to new states and countries is not
wrong. On that particular day though, it was wrong, as the Lord revealed to me that it would
go against my wife’s wishes and his wishes. I could have gone to Mexico.
However, I would have had to hide. I would have had to hide the fact that
Tijuana is dangerous from my wife. I also would have had to turn away from Jesus,
my God. I would have had to turn to myself. I would have had to sin. Freedom
would have been lost.
As I approach the Pacific at Imperial Beach, my eyes were
awed. It was a beautiful sight. I was blessed to be there. God knows what is
best. He knew I would have missed something truly awesome. God is great that
way. He is not a god of killing our dreams, but a God of showing us something
better. He is also a God of true freedom. He knows that the current culture’s ideal
of pursuing its own desires no matter what, which is nothing new but has
persisted in us since that dreadful day in Eden, does not bring freedom but
only shackles us to our own desires. While on the beach, I noticed that some
people had written in the sand. So, I did too. I wrote, “I love you Courtney”,
and sent it to her in a picture. Probably cheesy, but true. These words would
have been hollow and false that day if I had gone to Mexico. I had a freedom to
write these words.
Should I be applauded for what I did on that day? Definitely
no! It was only the grace of God working in me that kept me north of the border.
Left to my own devices, I would have crossed the border. Furthermore, I have
sinned against God and my wife before and I surely will in the future too. This
is the beauty of following Jesus though. As we grow in relationship with him,
we are better able to discern his will as I was that day, and, when we do fail,
we have the awesome reality of knowing that he took all those failures,
destroyed them at the cross, and replaced them with his righteousness. Because
of this, we never have to hide from God again. We can stand righteous before
him not because of what we have done, but because of what Jesus did for us.
That is true freedom! Outside of Jesus, freedom can never be found. Outside of
Jesus, we will invariably chase our own pursuits, only to be left empty in the
end. Outside of Jesus, we will try to be good people, ultimately to no avail. Outside
of Jesus, we will always feel the need to hide from God. So, to those that
don’t know Jesus, I say, as he did to the rich young ruler, “Come, follow him!”
In Jesus, you will truly be free!
